Here is another gem from the Christian Broadcasting Network’s Pat Robertson:
“In fact God told me last night that Donald Trump’s name has been written in the Book of Life. He’s guaranteed a place in heaven. In fact, he’ll also be a real estate mogul in heaven and have his own Trump Towers.”
A recent hospital stay…..
Nurse: “Mr. Mindeman! Mr.Mindeman! Are you awake? We thought we had lost you there. Your heart stopped on the table. But I think you are fully back now.”
Me: “Wow! Am I really back? Gosh, what an experience. While I was out I had such a surreal experience. I still can’t believe it. It was just so real.”
Friend: “What happened?”
Me: “Well, I was floating above the operating table watching everyone work on me. (By the way, Doc, I didn’t appreciate it when you had to open me up again to get back your cuff links. Why the hell were you wearing those during surgery?)….Anyway, while I was floating there I saw a bright light open up in the ceiling and it drew me higher and higher. The distance seemed great but it was so effortless to float higher and higher. Above the clouds I came to a large gate. I felt drawn to go in, but the gate was locked. A man in a long beard appeared.”
Bearded Man: “Welcome, David. It is good to see you, but your time has not yet come. Your immigration papers are not completely in order yet, so we will soon have to deport you back, at least for now. But, as long as you are here, we can give you a brief tour.”
Me: “You look familiar. Who are you?”
Bearded Man: “While on earth, I was Fidel Castro. But I am just here on a temporary reprieve while we wait for Stephen Miller to get here. They want someone tougher on gate entry and since he has had so much practice in xenophobia, they decided they would replace me with him when he gets here. They don’t think I am tough enough on the Mexicans, you know.”
Me: “Ummm….who is “they”?
Fidel: “Well, we are in the process of turning over to new management. Apparently, God wanted to shake things up a bit to coincide with the nutty things going on down below. Ever since they put up Trump Tower Heaven, there have been a bunch of changes.”
Me: “Trump Tower Heaven”?.
Fidel: Yeah, Pat Robertson was given the heads up by some of the more conservative angel types. They were getting tired of just sitting on clouds all the time and since we have streets of gold, the few Trumpers who are getting in thought we should have more “golden” type accomodations.” And down below, the evangelicals seem to have decided that this is how they want heaven to look now. The old “mansion” thing didn’t cut it anymore. And since Donald Trump is their new leader, I guess things are moving in that direction.”
Me: “But doesn’t that seem pretentious for the God of love?”
Fidel: “Well, there is certainly significant opposition to all of this. TTH (Trump Tower Heaven) is over a million stories high. Well, that is what they tell us anyway. No one is counting. And the nearly 1/2 trillion gold toilets has taken its toll on the “treasures in heaven”…..not to mention a lot of nasty competition for the penthouses. A lot of the long time angels think this is completely out of line….especially those with vows of poverty. It really makes them look bad. It’s kind of ‘meh’ to me – I don’t think they are going to let me stay here long anyway….and I wasn’t one to go for bourgeois acoutrements.”
Me: “Wow. Looks like things are really changing from what I expected.”
Fidel: “Yeah. You could definitely say that. A lot of us in the heavenly proletariat have objected strongly, but you know how it goes with the evangelical prosperity gospel. They still contend God wants them to live very well, and really have separation from the rabble. Just between you and me, God hasn’t been making many appearances lately. People say Trump is giving Him/Her/Whatever a tremendous headache and that Him/Her/Whatever is wondering if it was worth that Trump conversion thing.”
Me: “Well, I have to say that this is all very disconcerting. I never thought of Trump as the heavenly type. In fact, I thought of him as never getting here.”
Fidel: “Well, I have to tell you that there are rumors around here that Trump, himself, will never actually get here. They just wanted the condos.”
Fidel: “Well, it is time for you to go back. You can tell everyone about this if you want. We really don’t mind because no one will believe you anyway. So bye for now and enjoy whatever life you have left. Have fun storming the castle! Sorry, I love the Princess Bride.”